How To Use Active Listening In Your Relationships
"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." - Stephen Covey.
Do People Listen Well?
Kevin Daum says, "People often talk about the importance of listening, and indeed it is critical. But it's much harder today to listen with all the distractions of modern life."
Most people don't listen well.
If you want to transform your relationships, make it a habit of actively listening. Make the skill of active listening an essential component to your practices. Listening is something you can prove too (I studied communications in college); that's why so much of my work is rooted in the study of communication with others and self.
It's a topic I'm passionate about and one that I hope you explore as well. I hope this 800-word essay brings you value.
In this world, we have family, friends, co-workers, and even people we barely know. The space that exists between all people is called a relationship. You and I have a relationship even though we have never met. Everything is about relationships: money, mental health, status, how we move up or down in life (whatever that means). It's all about relationships and how we meander through the relationships we enter and exit.
So the question is always: how can we build better, stronger, more effective relationships.
Author Arlin Cuncic, says, "Active listening refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way. It is the process of listening attentively while someone else speaks, paraphrasing and reflecting back what is said, and withholding judgment and advice."
When I studied communications, our professor gave us practices around paraphrasing. She claimed it was one of the golden nuggets to creating healthy relationships (I agree). Paraphrasing shows understanding and competency. If one does not understand, having active listening practices built into the foundation of the relationship cultivates the compassionate container to explore a path to understanding. Below, I will give you a practical example of this practice that you can implement in your relationships.
Practical example:
Your partner has been dealing with mid-back pain for the last few weeks. They've expressed their pain and discomfort to you. Your partner has talked about how they wish they could alleviate and abolish this pain. After the conversation, it concludes with them telling you that they will be making a Target run later to pick up some new pillows ( a great idea! I love pillows, sleep and Target, HA!)
Let's say two days have passed, and the conversation has returned – and it should. Following up with them and using the phrases they used will show that you are engaged and interested in their journey. As a result, you may create safety for their expressions and understanding, and they'll most likely become more vulnerable with you.
Try This: You could then say something like," The other day, I like how you said that you prefer to sleep on your side versus your back. And I noticed you occupied the new pillows that you said you wanted to get. Has that helped with you back pain at all?"
Above, we saw an example of HOW to open up a new conversation and show that you were listening to their expressions the other day; this is how you paraphrase.
Active listening is a way to build healthy boundaries, connectedness, and love essentially. Most people talk about themselves; please don't do that — it blocks intimacy. And I should clarify: there is nothing wrong with talking about yourself as we should practice self-expression often, but I urge you to find balance, to lean towards diving into conversation versus just wanting to be heard. There's value in creating space for others to be heard. Conversations go more in-depth and have a more emotional range when active listening lives through the vibrations. The art of conversation creates a safe space for all of it’s participants.
Our goal here is to become masters of communication, and that may take years, but it's about the baby steps. Paraphrasing is a HUGE baby step that you can add today.
Formula:
Repeat what they said in your own words ( R ).
Ask a follow-up question to engage the thought further ( ? ).
And here's what that looks like from the practical example that we gave.
R: The other day, I like how you said that you prefer to sleep on your side versus your back.
?: Has that helped with you back pain at all
Comment below if you got value out of this today. I have a brand new course launching all about boundaries. It is called Build Your Boundaries. If you need practical examples and want support in building boundaries, register here for the Build Your Boundaries course.